Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Waking up early and other bullshit.

If you're just on the way to the office - this post will serve you well. I hate waking up early in the mornings - never liked it. Even when i had to wake up early for university in the morning, it felt like i slept for only 5 minutes. I would drag myself out of bed and make 10 trips back to the room cos i had forgotten to bring something to the shower…either my undies or my deodorant or some other redundant  product i had bought from  watsons as a motivation to feel good in the morning. Yes, did all of that.  The reality was i had forgotten the one thing i should have brought along with me when i woke up - my brains. My brains were still tucked into bed and snoring real loud. I am clearly not a morning person and hence i have never had a proper 9am to 7pm job. I really admire people who can do it. I really want to punch those people in the faces who wake up at 6 am to get ready to go to the gym. What's all that about? You pretentious pricks. Can you smell the jealousy? If i have ever woken up at 6am - its cos i was just extremely hungry. I stuff my face and go back to sleep. The best feeling in the world is to have a meal and sleep right away. The worst feeling in the world is when you get up feeling like a hippo stuck in mud. I have tried all the tricks in the book - bathing in cold freezing water, which is a terrible idea btw! Have you ever tried to take a cold shower bath in the morning? Its like you have to find a strategy to fully jump into the shower so you don't shrivel up like a testicle. You wet your tummy first - then the bottom - then the hands - then the face - then the legs and then you take a deep breathe and jump in. You come out of the shower really alert cos you've had a brain freeze. And then cos of our wonderful humid weather, you start sweating. I don't know how people dress up real good in the morning and don't melt on the floor by the time they reach office. I have seen some well dressed people in the mrt - gelled hair, tight skirts, smart suits and walking to work with a purpose. Yes, that's right! With a purpose! The only time i have had that purposeful walk is when i am walking towards an outlet where a sale is about to start or when i want to overtake to let the hot guy walking ahead of me know that i exist too..completely ignoring him of course. I think all office-goers should go to work in their most comfortable clothing..i mean if you're not comfortable, how do you work? I also think all office- goers should be allowed to leave office once they think they have reached their peak performance for the day. That way we won't have peak hour traffic cos everyone reaches their peak at different times. Geddit? Geddit? Shut up.

Don't get me wrong - i have done some real odd jobs while i was growing up. I started at the age of 14. Every holiday, i would take up a part-time job to earn some shopping money and attaining some skills. I have worked as a tele marketeer, a jewelry maker at a kiosk in an upmarket shopping center, product promoter at the petrol station, an extra for a channel 5 program and then finally a speech and drama for the longest time.

Learning from experience, there was one thing i knew from a very young age. I wasn't going to work hard for someone else's dream - i was going to work for myself. I did go for a couple of interviews at multi-national companies when i was confused about my career but the interview questions confirmed why i wasn't going to go for those jobs.

1. What is your expected salary?

My answer : How much do you expect me to work. It really depends.

2.  Why should we choose you?

My answer : Cos god came in my dreams and said that if your interviewer doesn't choose you, his balls will fall off past midnight.

3. What are your strengths and weaknesses?

My answer : From where i stand, my strength is in making you believe that i am good enough so you will hire me and my weakness is the free stuff in your office pantry.

What kind of stupid questions are these?  I have the qualification - you have the job…don't make us lie to you. Come on! Why do you want us to sugar coat it for you? Those circle 1 to 5 questions are the worst cos they remind me of "multiple-question answer options in schools".

Example : How would you rate your leadership skills? 1 - being the worst and 5 - being the best

This is how they judge you depending on what you circled.

1- You are Under confident
2. - You're unsure about what you want in life
3. - You went to a local university and want to be safe…good job. You will follow our system.
4. You're a bit too confident.
5. Hitler


For all you office-goers, i hope you woke up on time and please have a great time. I am going back to bed. I really respect what you guys do though - i could never do it.

Anyway, i cut my hair yesterday. Just so you know!

One more day to friday - you can do it!

Love and Laughter,

Sharul Channa

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