Sunday, 13 April 2014
When I was a little girl...
When I was a girl..a very little girl : Age 8
Ma asked me, " Beta, what do you want to become?"
I said," Ma - I want to be an actress..i want to dance and sing.."
She said, " Haan beta, sure!..You can be who you want!"
I wore frocks and short skirts with colorful sleeveless tops.
I sat on the sofa with my legs all over the place and drooled on the carpet while watching TV.
When i grew up just slightly - Age 10
Ma asked, " Beta - how was school?"
I replied, " Very good - i made a new friend..he is a very smart boy!"
Ma said," Good beta - i am glad you made a new friend."
And i grew more - Age 14
Ma said, " Beta - i want to talk to your about something. It's called Puberty."
I said, "I know ma - look at these..my breasts have developed.."
Ma then looked at me and said, " Its time beta..sit down on the sofa with your legs crossed and don't talk to many boys for THEY will talk.."
I wondered why but i complied.
And i grew more - Age 16
My mom said , " Beta - time to choose your subjects! What do you want to study?"
I said, " Ma i want to do Acting! I will be an actress Ma!"
She replied, " Nahi beta - you will need to study something more substantial. This is a hobby."
I replied, " No ma - i will study acting!"
Ma gave up on me.
I grew older. Age 20
Ma said, " Listen beta, now that you have completed your diploma and degree..its time you get a job..a 9 to 5!"
I said - " No ma - i want to be something else..something different!"
She replied - " You need to save up beta for the FUTURE. The Future?!"
I grew older. Age 25
Ma said : " Now beta - its time you get married. All girls have to get married. This is the RIGHT time. Its the RIGHT time beta..you have to sit well when you meet his parents..dress up covered and give up on your childish hobbies.."
I replied : " Ma - you said i could be anything i like..do anything i want..why does my chest feel heavy ma?"
She replied : " Don't worry beta - i did it, your grandmother, your sister..its normal."
I asked : " Ma - can i live on my own with him..my partner?"
She replied : " Now - we no longer make the decisions for you beta..they do! Ask them.."
I grew older. Age 27
Someone said - "Why aren't you married! Get married..you need to have kids on time..go..!"
Someone else said - "You need to do this..everyone does it!"
I said - " Something doesn't feel right..why doesn't it feel right..?" I need to make my own decisions..i need to live my dreams..i need to fly..i don't want children..i don't need anybody…i need my confidence..i want to fly..my feet are tied..i want to run for i don't want to have a daughter i will teach all these lies.."